It’s been such a long time since I wrote something
blogworthy in here. Apparently I was too ecstatic about my life to write about the
fun, happy (and sometimes depressing) moments of my life. It’s almost 2 am now
and sleep still hasn’t found its way to me.
What am I feeling right now? Well, to tell the truth, I
don’t know what I am feeling or what I should feel? It’s as if this mixture of
emotions has turned into numbness. I am supposed to be happy. I’ve got a super
supporting family, a good (and strenuous) education, friends whom I can count
on, a bestfriend who is thousand miles away from me, and of course, a boyfriend
who never ceases to be patient with me.
But then despite the seemingly perfect and flawless atmosphere
around me, my mind is wandering to thoughts of loneliness. I don’t know. Maybe I’m
just super stressed. Maybe I just needed to unsuffocate myself right now. I
feel like the opposite of what’s supposed to be happy.
I’m not feeling anything. I’m not FEELING anything.
I read something and I felt so distant. I felt like I’ve
turn to this OTHER persona. I felt like I wasn’t part of that big picture anymore.
Where are we going? Will there still be tomorrow after
this?
Right now, I want to leave and get headed to Vancouver
and maybe then, I could forget.
I’m supposed to be happy. It’s my birthday month! I
should be excited. But then, I am losing the appetite.
Last Sunday, I went to a charity with my uncle and aunt
and together with some of my neighbors. We went to this secluded place in
Montalban. The house is a refuge for children with mental disorders. And if
there’s one thing I will never forget about the experience, that would be “it’s
the feeling of being touched, being embraced” that makes these kids feel loved.
They may never understand what the mouth has to say but what matters is that
one touch of the hand, of the arm that makes them appreciated.
Yeah. Maybe I need hugs right now. You don’t have to
understand what you’re reading right now. Just one simple hug would affect me.
Perhaps you’ll say again, this is just another moment
wherein I couldn’t express myself. I guess it’s always gonna be this way. How come
I never lingered about anything about you? What am I supposed to be?
I don’t know how to love you anymore. We’re so apart. We’re
so vulnerable. I don’t know anything anymore.
You are complicated. I am complicated.
And I feel like we won’t ever survive this fall.
Where are you when I needed you most?
The pieces are broken, what else will happen…
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